I realised a few days ago that I have gone a large portion of my life being scared of absolutely everything and it got me thinking.... how much have I missed out on because I am too scared to grab it by both hands? I know that I've missed out on meeting new people because the prospect of going out in a large social gathering and being invisible is only fractionally less scary that the concept of being noticed for falling on my arse or generally being a moron. Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of moronic moments...only yesterday I fell headfirst into an elevator (yes, there is a certain amount of effort involved with this task, in case you were wondering) But there is a difference between making an arse of myself with those who have been forced to accept the fact that I am slightly, if not largely strange and making an arse of myself as the first impression.
And it's not just the social aspect of things that I've been scared of, it's everything else! I frequently have that moment when your running down the stairs and you realise that you need to slow down because what if you over judge a step, take it too quickly, fall down the stairs and die! I am so scared of this eventuality that I walk down all stairs I take, even if I am really really late. I don't even turn the speed on the treadmill up too fast in fear that I will tire too quickly and won't be able to keep up or get the speed down in time and will fall off said treadmill and die! Now I am aware the eventuality of dying from a treadmill related injury probably very slim, but in my over thinking, hyper imaginative, paranoia ridden mind - it is a very real possibility.
If it were just the social and the physical well being that I harboured fear of, then maybe I could conquer this strange little fear factor, but it's the fear of fear itself thats the real kicker. And by this I mean, I get so scared that I will be scared that I won't do something. A wonderful example of my sheer bewildering behaviour was illustrated when a close friend decided to show me a scene from the horror movie "The Ring"...SPOILER ALERT... the scene where the girl crawls out of the tv. After viewing this, I refused to sleep in a room with a screen...or a mirror....or a glass surface that might be mistaken as a screen or mirror. I also refused to sleep in a room by myself because the horrifying woman from the film might come find me and prey on the fact I am all alone. I made up this spectacular story about the character in the film and why she was targeting me, although I had no idea about the movie, nor would I allow anyone to talk to me about it for fear I got more scared! I was so scared that I would be scared that I didn't even contemplate the idea it might quell the original far altogether, oh no no no, rather instead I held fast to my story about the screen woman (which, admittedly was quite good and made me refrain from sleep for close to a week because I was so terrified- incidentally, the woman in "The Ring" does not hunt down young women scared of people crawling out of glass surfaces and suck their souls....or so I've been told!).
Strange thing is, I'm a sucker for scary stories! I love em! I will purposely listen to most of it then realise I'm scared and tune out for the last bit and then spend the next few hours thinking about it. It's a vicious vicious cycle I assure you.
But back to my point, with all this fearing weighing me down, my question is how do I fly when I'm too afraid to leave the ground in case I come slamming face first into it (NB: Fly metaphorically...Not actually fly. That would be silly. I don't have wings and if I did I would probably be so scared they would malfunction I would never use them anyway).
So I am proposing a challenge to myself where by every fortnight I am going to do something that scares me to death so that I might finally lose some of my ever increasing, over populating, mind boggling inhibitions that I seem to collect like novelty gifts from half hearted friends that one day you go "I can't get rid of them but I don't want them!".
My first challenge is the scary movie challenge, easier than dealing with the scary demons of the treadmill....baby steps on slow. The challenge is as follows: To actually watch "The Ring" and not run screaming from the room, but rather to rationalise it so that I may also sleep afterwards. I am well aware that this could result in my sleeping on my housemates bedroom floor for the next month but....nothing ventured nothing gained!
LETS DO IT!
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